


They Relieved Themselves in Their Robes

by Island_of_Reil



Category: The Goblin Emperor - Katherine Addison
Genre: Classrooms, Gen, Harry Potter References, Humor, Pre-Canon, Sartorias-Deles Reference, Shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2020-05-13 01:58:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19241521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Island_of_Reil/pseuds/Island_of_Reil
Summary: Mer Potermar’s new book means that Sehalis Athmaza must answer very awkward questions from his classroom full of adolescent mazei.





	They Relieved Themselves in Their Robes

The feeling of apprehension that Sehalis Athmaza felt upon entering his classroom full of mazei in training owed nothing to his magical abilities. The stifled giggles he could hear in the back validated his sense of foreboding.

“Osmaza?” Romet Athmaza asked, his arm up in the air. Of course, Romet would be the first to ask.

“Canst wait a damned moment, Romet, until we have settled in?” Sehalis snapped.

_Damn Potermar._

“Sorry, Osmaza,” Romet said, not sounding very sorry at all.

Sehalis took his time setting his hornbook down, seating himself at his desk, and shuffling through today’s lesson plans. The subdued giggling took on a nervous tone. _Good. Let them fear, even if it will not stop them from asking the damned question._

Finally, he looked up. “Thy question, Romet?”

“Osmaza… is it soothful, what Mer Potermar says in his new book, the one that was just published yesterday, about the history of the Athmaz’are?”

Despite knowing precisely which passage of the book Romet was referring to, Sehalis replied, “Mer Potermar says quite a few things in his book, Romet. It is a very large book, after all. If wouldst like to clarify for us what art asking about, we can try to answer.”

“Er… the bit about mazeise, uh, personal habits, Osmaza.” More giggling, louder this time. “Before the modern lavatory was invented.” A snort somewhere in the classroom. It sounded like Cala Athmaza. Sehalis was going to have to train the boy out of that unlovely habit if he were going to realize his dream of becoming an imperial nohecharis.

There would be no more postponements of the inevitable. Gruffly, Sehalis said, “Yes. Yes, it is soothful.”

The room exploded with the shouts and laughter of several dozen highly amused thirteen- and fourteen-year-old boys. Finally the din settled enough for Cechis Athmaza to call out and be heard: “But, Osmaza … what about michen with mazeise skills who hadn’t yet been accepted into the Athmaz’are? Did they just … relieve themselves in their clothes?”

Sehalis sighed. “Cechis, wouldst try, for once in thy life, to use the brains that the gods gave thee? They were not mazei yet. Having mazeise potential is not the same thing as being a maza. And said potential would not have manifested until well after they were out of swaddling clothes and had learned to relieve themselves in a chamber pot or in a garde-robe, as nearly everyone else did at the time.”

“Really, Osmaza?” Romet asked, sounding disappointed.

 _Really. What didst expect we’d tell you all, that the Ethuveraz was filled with incontinent mazeise michen and piles of their excrement from one end to the other?_ “Really, Romet,” Sehalis said.

Dazhis Athmaza raised his hand, and Sehalis called on him. “Then why wouldn’t have mazei continued to use a chamber pot or garde-robe?” Dazhis asked. “Surely that would have been … neater?” His voice rose a little on the last word, and there was more snickering.

“Because it was convenient, Dazhis,” Sehalis said. “If one is locked in one’s workroom, perfecting a very difficult maz, one does not want to have to interrupt one’s concentration in order to find a chamber pot, or walk some distance to a garde-robe, or even just spend the time it would take for an ordinary person to relieve themselves.”

“So,” Dazhis continued, “they magically cleansed their robes after they, er, relieved themselves, then.” His fine features were pinched with distaste.

“Yes,” Sehalis said, refraining yet again from a biting rejoinder. Dazhis was a good lad, unlike many in this room that he could name.

“Osmaza,” Cala said, raising his hand.

“Yes, Cala?”

“Why wouldn’t mazei just vanish their waste from inside their bodies, before relieving themselves? Would that not have been cleaner? Isn’t that what the mazei of Sartorizhan enabled for all of the Sartorizheisei, not just the mazei themselves?”

“That is a very good question, Cala,” Sehalis said. “Much more intelligent than any we have heard so far today.” Dazhis looked indignant at that. Ignoring him, Sehalis continued, “The nation of Sartorizhan is long vanished from the earth, as knowest well, and the secret of their waste maz died with them. For many years the great Morezha Athmaza attempted to replicate that secret, but he could do no more than produce a maz that vanished the waste once it had left the body.”

“May we please ask one more question, Osmaza?” Romet said, looking the picture of innocence that he was decidedly not.

Sehalis dreaded the question, but he would eventually hear it no matter what; best to get it over with. “Yes, Romet. _Just_ one more question.”

“So, Osmaza, we are taught that vanished objects go into non-being. Which is to say, everything.” Romet paused. “Does that mean that there’s a little bit of mazeise, er, waste in everything? Say, in our boots? Or in Cstheio Caireizhasan’s stars? Or in the altar of the Untheileneise’meire? Or in the food in the dining hall?”

“Oh, it’s _definitely_ in the food in the dining hall,” a voice at the back said, setting off another wave of laughter to crash over the classroom.

“Hesha Athmaza!” Sehalis barked. “Wilt write ‘I will not speak out of turn in class, especially not to say rude things’ one hundred times and have it upon our desk in the morning.”

“Yes, Osmaza,” Hesha replied, sounding rather more subdued now.

“And as for thy question, Romet, vanished objects are not literally ‘in’ everything. They exist on a plane of existence that is parallel to but does not intersect with our own, until such time that a maza may reconjure them. Therefore, needst not fret over mazeise waste in thy boots or in thy food.”

Romet and the others laughed, but the boy looked, Sehalis was taken aback to notice, starkly relieved. Gods. Only two more months before Sehalis was promoted and he no longer had to deal with teenage boys. They would be the longest two months of his life.


End file.
